...hence my absence from the blogosphere. My tale begins last month, or April as it's more commonly known. I was in front of the TV, in the midst of a lovely bacon sandwich, when Sunday Politics hot-shot Andrew Neil announced my name in reference to the Labour Party (who I'd never heard of). On swallowing my crust I immediately thought to myself...why?
Sure, upcoming elections had been in the news but had I missed the memo? Was I involved? Was I unwittingly being ushered into the murky underworld of politics against my will, like so many of the buffoons on the news? Or had I completely misread the situation again, as per one or two of my previous blog posts? Naturally I assumed it was the former.
My first port of call was to Google myself to see if this would shed any light. Attention was immediately drawn to a Wikipedia page who's name bore resemblance to my own. The title simply read 'Tom Greatrex'. I hadn't warranted a page before so what had changed, and why hadn't I been consulted?
It contained sordid details of my Early Life, Political Career and Political Activities, all of which were untrue. Confused, I immediately took the decision to phone the BBC, who's number I still had following the Savile fiasco. After navigating their automated system, I agreed to appear on next Sunday's show on one condition, I wanted answers!
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Neil Andrew showing me a pointless graph he'd made
It became apparent from the moment I entered the studio that I wasn't the Tom Greatrex MP they were expecting. They'd all met the real one before and I mustn't have looked anything like him. Still, they had no choice but to let me on as no one else had been booked. I struggled to get a word in edgeways as a Scottish goblin bombarded me ridiculous question after ridiculous question, such as 'Is Ed Miliband weird?', 'How real is David Cameron's face?' 'Who is Nick Clegg?' and 'Does Nigel Farage sell children to other children?'
By the time the interview was over my agent, whom I'd hired in the intervening week, had received a call from the real TGMP and he wanted answers! (I found this particularly ironic as I was the one who wanted answers earlier.) One relatively long Skype conversation later and we decided to settle our dispute in the only way we knew how: he who can grow the manliest moustache shall rein supreme.
We grew our facial hair until we could grow no more
We set ourselves a 3 week time frame for the challenge. Any longer and I knew it would become noticeable that I wasn't at work. At the same time we would also be raising money for charity, which I thought was a great idea and was pretty surprised no one had thought of it before. I can't recall how much the Shadow Minister For Energy raised, but I finished just shy of £2, which a tramp had thrown at me. Rather than embarrassingly hand that in I kept it and bought some face wipes.
We returned to our day to day lives soon after, almost as if my brush with the political cesspit never happened. Strangely though I have noticed a sharp increase in Twitter trolls abusing me since, including former England footballer-turned BBC-turned ITV pundit Lee Dixon (the bastard)...
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